I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
