Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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