he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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