Four minutes until I can fart!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
