I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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