if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
