you win again, gameday.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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