Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
