and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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