So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize