I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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