well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
