Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
two words: eviction party
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
