She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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