I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
