My hand turned me down
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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