god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
