You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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