Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
