I'm gonna have a badass scar
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
