I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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