Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
