You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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