Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
