I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
