i think i have two assholes
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
