if only i could text you this smell
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
