Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
