Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
