bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
