You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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