Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
