Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
