I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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