The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
