I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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