i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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