apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
