and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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