im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
