my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
porn star boner night. come get it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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