Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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