How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
