I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
