Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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