I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
