just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
