Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
