The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
