I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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