i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
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