Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
