im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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