did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
