upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
